It’s simple, sit on your butt and surf the internet.

That’s what I do. Sidelined from snowboarding – I can’t even walk to the store if there’s snow on the ground and danger of falling – I’m spending my day surfing the net, reading, writing, and watching some movies. And cooking!

Yet I’m still burning about 1/2 pound a day. That’s 1750 calories worth of fat, beyond the ~3000 calories a day I’m eating.

The key is to eat right, and that means taking into consideration the hormones that drive fat storage and burning. I’m actually still eating carbs, but non before noon and no caffeine (which means no soda) after 5pm. I figure every 90 minutes that I go without carbs, I burn off another ounce of fat. Thinking of it that way, it’s easy to decide to skip the caffeine with breakfast and just eat my bacon, or eggs, or sausage. Lunch is usually a hunk of meat with a rich sauce (and maybe a coke). Dinner is the same, but without the coke.

Fatty acids are constantly moving from the blood into and out of adipose tissue. The rate of each leg is determined by hormones, primarily insulin and glucagon. For three hours after consuming carbs, those carbs work their way into the bloodstream and cause the pancreas to secrete insulin (but no glucagon). Insulin helps speed the process of storing fat. It’s also a signal to the body to conserve energy; except for the sugar-rush spike after ingesting food, a constant high-carb diet means the body won’t use its energy stores (i.e. fat) to full activity; if you don’t have blood sugar, your body won’t want to do anything. That’s why runners bring carbs with them; their bodies aren’t adapted to using the fuel it already has.

After fasting, blood sugar stabilizes and insulin drops. The pancreas starts producing glucagon instead, especially in response to a high-protein meal. This hormone helps mobilize all that stored fat, ready to be used by cells for energy. Both ketones and glucose can feed into the Krebs cycle that drives cellular energy; your body doesn’t need to convert fat into sugar before it burns it.

The system is complex, and it takes a while to stabilize on one method or another. The human body is full of homeostatic systems – that is, systems that try to maintain balance. If you’re not used to burning fat as fuel, you’re going to spend a couple weeks fuzzy-headed until your brain figures out how to burn ketones. And your digestive system, too, might not be ready for it. Fatty diets are best eaten in meals, not by grazing; eat two or three times a day, not more. Once a day works, too.

Probably the best way to burn 5000 calories a day is to get sick. I spent five days in the hospital recently after my spleen ruptured, and I didn’t eat at all the first 48 hours, and only barely after that. In addition to my normal metabolic needs, my body also needed some heavy-duty repair – and that means energy. Recovery, too, is best fueled with fats. I was in misery for nearly a week, and that’s damn good motivation to eat better. If you’ve suffered from any of the ailments of Western Civilization, avoiding its foods – grain, sugar, and frankenoils – is the best medicine.

I’ve been thinking of Fake Food the past few days, since my previous post last week. Strangely, Kurt had a post on a similar theme (Smoking Candy Cigarettes) a couple weeks ago that I missed (as I’ve been on a limited-internet diet til we got service here at the house) and recently read.

His post focuses on the sanction that such cheats give to the offending item; how a cheat now and then might give the impression that you still eat cake, etc. That avoiding cake isn’t a central part of your diet. I was coming at it from the effect it has on you, the cheater: eating fake pasta and sugar-free cookies is still pretty bad, and only one step removed from the real (bad) thing. That accepting that it’s OK to eat bread as long as it is gluten-free might lead to an occasional gluten-loaded bun now and then.

I did cheat last week; I ate a bun. It came with bratwurst, which is a favorite of mine, although I acknowledge that’s not an excuse. I’m not happy about the bun. I’m mentioning it here cuz I’d rather admit my failings then fake it (har). Plus mentioning it, writing it down, is a way of cementing the event in my mind, and remotivating myself to not do that again. I don’t want wheat, I don’t want cancer, I don’t want autoimmune diseases and gut distress.

Anyway, I was shopping today, and I thought of buying some rice noodles so I could make pasta, because … hmm, nostalgia? I used to make a lot of pasta. Pasta sauces are easy to make, and it’s easy to put whatever you want in to them. Pasta dishes are also hefty and filling. But… I don’t eat pasta, and although rice is probably the friendliest of the villainous grains it’s still a villain.

That got me thinking about diet soda. Diet Coke is a lot like gluten-free bread, or rice noodles, or candy cigarettes. Despite the flowery advertising for diet colas, I don’t think there’s anyone that would voluntarily drink them if it wasn’t for a desire for the non-diet versions, whether that desire comes from carb cravings or nostalgia or habit or whatever.

I think they’re fine as crutches; if you’re trying to transition to paleo, I think gluten-free bread, rice noodles, and diet coke are great. Some people do great quitting cold turkey, and if that’s you, then you can really skip this whole conversation. But I’ve had persistent problems with cheating. Carbs are cheating for me, and it’s the easiest thing to cheat on, because I’m eating low-carb to lose weight, not strictly to avoid disease. Wheat, however, is something I want to avoid 100%. I’d like to be wheat-free for a year, two years, a decade…. I’ve been aluminum and flouride free for years. Somehow that was a bit easier, mostly because those purchases (deodorant and toothpaste) are made rarely enough that I just need to be strong like once every six months. Cake.

Food, however, is something I eat daily. There are constant temptations to cheat. Convenience, social pressure, carb cravings that lead to bad food choices, etc. I don’t drink diet soda (choosing tea whenever I’m at a restaurant where I’d otherwise feel pressured to drink soda), and I’ve been 99% bean-free since last April. I still eat factory meat & eggs near daily, but 80% of my cheese is unpasteurized. I just need to … remember. Thinking about it before I down that hot dog bun would help. Gah.

One day at a time? I haven’t had any wheat today. It’s been five days since I last ate wheat.

Cheating makes it harder to not cheat.

My ‘worst’ cheat is having a coke in the morning. I don’t like the bitter taste of coffee and I’m used to caffeine in the morning, so that means coke. I can rationalize it a bit, too, by knowing that glycogen stores are depleted after sleeping (ie fasting), and so if I’m going to have a coke, the time to do it is early in the morning.

A 20oz coke, though, is 68g of carbs. I won’t be burning any fat for 3-4 hours after consuming that much. Plus, about 3-4 hours later (ie at lunch time), I’m famished — and tempted to order fries with my bunless burger, or noodles with my chinese, or maybe hashbrowns if I order bacon & eggs, or …. I’ve lived with my body long enough to know what carb cravings feel like, and to know what sates that feeling. Cheating begets cheating; it’s the vicious cycle of carb addiction.

Since I’m trying to cut down on the caffeine, too, my alternate breakfast is water. I don’t need to eat, and if I’m eating moderate carbs daily (~150g), skipping breakfast isn’t very hard. I don’t feel hungry in the morning. The more I skip breakfast, the easier it gets.

And if I don’t have a morning coke, I don’t crave carbs with lunch.

And if I don’t eat carbs at lunch, I don’t get that 2pm post-lunch lull that says “omg go get some more sugar.” Peanut M&Ms are ok, aren’t they? Nuts, right? Well, no, on two counts. A normal bag is another 56g of carbs, and peanuts are legumes, which means lectins. My other afternoon craves are milky way dark (mmm, dark chocolate) or beef jerky and cheese. Although convenience-store cheese isn’t really cheese, it’s the best of my choices. If I skip the morning coke and stay away from carbs during lunch, I also don’t get afternoon cravings. And if I do step out for an afternoon snack, it’s much easier to pick up some beef jerky and a 0-carb beverage (diet coke, diet energy drink, or just water) if I didn’t have a carb-heavy lunch or breakfast.

Then I’ll get home and go for a run. An afternoon candy snack means I’m craving carbs again. Run, then go get fries, or tater tots, or eat a potato with my steak. Order a coke (cuz I’m craving sugar again). But if I’m not craving carbs, it’s easier to just sit down and cook or eat through my pantry, which tends to be zero-carb. Olives, cheese, and salami, or I’ll cook bacon & eggs, or a steak and some green veggies.

The easiest time to continue eating low-carb is after a fast, and since it’s easy to fast while sleeping, breakfast is the big weak spot. If I skip that morning coke, the rest of the day is much easier.

I can rationalization it as a one-serving, glycogen-restorating, small-impact event… but that ignores the cascade that carries through the day. The reason to not drink a coke in the morning is because I know about the cascade. I hate the cascade. I hate the cravings. I hate myself for giving in to the cravings. I hate the blood-sugar yoyo. I hate the morning coke for what it brings.

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I think there are two things that lead people to cheat on their diet. One is bad habits (”we always order pizza on Fridays, I always get the potato with my steak, I always eat sandwiches at home”). The other is a cascade. The easiest way to stop the cascade is to ride the overnight fast: eat a good, zero-carb breakfast and ride your new, low-carb diet throughout the day.